It seems as late I am better off limiting my "friend" list. Yep pity party alert join if you want. I have made some really great friends in my life. I actually pretty much consider everyone I meet and chat with for more than 30 minutes my friend. I love to chatty it up, I love to be around people, it brings some kind of weird happiness to me, but of late I am secluded. I have found more joy in keeping to myself, doing my own thing. Well I have always done my own thing just with people in tow.
I have had a few friends as of late going thru "life," meaning having grown up adult problems. Divorce, Word of Wisdom (yep mormon girl here), questioning their belief system you know just some of the usual, and it has made me question some of those things myself.
Divorce; not in my vocabulary with my marriage. Not because I am mormon, but because of how it affected me as a child. I knew from a very early age what kind of man I wanted. Some of those characteristics were based on my religion, but not for the usual Mormon girl things. My parents marriage was a tangled mess of emotions, drugs and alcohol. I saw my parents addictions cause so much chaos in their lives and my life that I wanted soo much better for myself and my children. So when these people whom i love and adore in my life are going thru divorce it makes my heart ache for them for their kids and for me. I don't like it! I want them to be happy and not have struggles. I mentally know I cannot go in and fix the mistakes for them, I cannot go in and make the other spouse change/say sorry, but emotionally I don't want them to hurt. I have felt that hurt as a kid and even still now as an adult of divorce and it sucks!
Word of Wisdom; something I may have some troubles with. I drink coffee very rarely, but I do. I eat to many sweets, too much fat and really I prolly eat to much in general of everything. I don't eat enough fruits and veggies. I do not however have a problem with alcohol or drugs or tobacco. The absolute main reason for this is my childhood. Now I can look back and say that not every aspect of my childhood was bad...but I do remember quite vividly many a days and nights that really sucked. I attribute that to my parents and their additions. I mentioned above I wanted and still want soo much more for my family. I am not saying that I am perfect neither is Jef, but we work hard at being a little better for ourselves, each other and our kids. Adding drinking or drugs or both to a mix of bad emotions with a spouse in my opinion is adding more problems not helping. One excuse I have heard recently is "I just want to not feel for a few hours"...really! Dont we all want that at some point and time in our lives...the kids drove me crazy yesterday and I mean CRAZY and sure I wanted to check out but is that really possible. The kids are still there after I get back from checking out....the problem is still there. I just don't get that mentality. Eventually checking out momentarily won't be enough, won't the desire to do that become more and more and then eventually you have checked out on most of your life and the lives of those around you?
Belief or religion if you will; let's blame that for a lot of our hurt. I will admit that my religion does have a lot of guilt associated with it. But I think a lot of religions do, just Mormons are so openly depressed or oppressed depending on who or what the situation is. I believe with my whole being there is a God who loves us so very much. I believe that he sent his son Jesus Christ to come and live on the earth to be an example to us, his other sons and daughters. I believe we are here to be tested and tried to be able to live with him again. I believe that God does not give us any challenge that we cannot handle, even tho at times that may not seem true or fair. I believe that if we turn to him and ask for his guidance and help he will do so, maybe not in our time but yes in time he will. I believe he loves me just as much as his son Jesus. We are given agency on this earth and just as we have to allow our own children mistakes (all be it hard) he is allowing us our mistakes.
Ok pity party over! Maybe...
