Losing It

I about threw up when I saw this picture.  I can't believe it.

The truth is, I'm delusional about my weight, my size, and my general appearance.  I hear women say things like "I'm so fat" (when they're not fat at all) or "My hair looks terrible" (when they look lovely) and "I'm so ugly" (when you and I might think they are beautiful.)  I have the opposite problem.  I think I look great!  I think I'm sexy.  I think I look better with just a little lipstick than a ton of make up.  I think I'm smokin' hot.  

So when I'm faced with the reality of my size, like in this picture from April 26, 2013, it's shocking.

Weight is a funny thing.  It seems that we're always thinking about it.  We're always trying to lose it.  We're on a diet or watching what we eat or finding time to exercise - so how in the hell did I get that heavy? 

I know:

1.  Alcohol

2.  I worked out today so it's ok for me to have a treat.

3.  I didn't eat all day and now I'm starving.  Please pass the cheese covered potatoes.

When Chris and I got married almost 21 year ago, we were a foot different in height and 100lbs different in weight.  That is still true today.  I am up to 209 - Chris weighed in this morning at 310.  We've gained, lost and gained weight again - - - always together.  So together we've decided to do something about our current status.

It's a long story, but when we moved to Pocatello 14 years ago we were visited by 3 Sister Missionaries from the LDS Church.  One was Mongolian and never spoke.  One I don't remember at all.  And one was a cute girl from Georgia named Sister Chanda Vaniman.  She was funny and sweet and quickly understood that I would learn everything she wanted to teach me about her church, but that I was most likely not going to convert.  

When she left Poky I think we exchanged a few Christmas cards and notes for a few years, and then became friends on Facebook.  She is now a health coach living in St. George, Utah.  Recently she posted something about a contest she was starting - Lose Weight, Feel Great, Win $1000.  I was ready to make a change - I've seen the results she gets with her clients - I signed up.  (And I signed Chris up too.)

We'll use the Medi-Fast plan.  Five pre-packaged bars, shakes, snacks, soups, etc... and one "lean and green" meal per day.  

My goal is 150 - that may seem a little high to you - the Wii Fit would like me to weigh 132lbs.  Trust me - 150 will look good on me.  I'm "dense."

Chris would like to be 250 - it will be so easy for him.  You know how men drop weight.  I'll be jealous, but supportive. 

Today we are excited and enthusiastic.  We're also ashamed.  How did it happen?  We're ashamed that we didn't look in the mirror and say "put the fork down."  We're embarrassed that we didn't have the self control to not get that milkshake, or burrito. We're angry that after all the time and money we've spent to lose weight in the past, we're losing the same 50lbs again.  

But those feelings won't move us forward.  You can't beat yourself up about the decisions you made yesterday - all you can do is try to make better decisions today.  And that's what we're doing.

May has some built in challenges for weight loss.  Today is Cameron's birthday - no cake and ice cream.  Mother's Day on Sunday - no brunch buffet.  My birthday on the 19th - no Kamikaze shots with my friends. And we're headed to Colorado for a big wedding the end of the month.  The thing that will make me not regret giving up cake, brunch and booze - is I want to look as good as I think I do when we see our friends and family.  I want to see pictures from this wedding and say "Damn!  I am smokin' hot!"  So, I just need to make the decision and stick to it.

I started my day with Medi-Fast macaroni and cheese at 5a.m.  I'm having an orange smoothie thing right now.  My cheesy pizza puffs are waiting for me at 11, and tonight, I'll happily make Cameron his favorite birthday dinner of spaghetti and garlic bread, and I'll enjoy the salad with 5 ounces of lean chicken on it.  

I'm telling you this for a couple different reasons.  First, nothing ever feels real until I share it.  Second, I hope you'll support me.  If I say "no thank you" there is a reason.  And, even though you probably don't look at that picture and cringe, you probably noticed I had put on FORTY pounds in the last year.  I wanted to say thank you for not calling me Fatty McButterpants - at least to my face.  

It has been a tough year.  But I'm feeling much better.  I think I've fixed, or at least started to fix all the things that were wrong with my relationships, my emotional state...my life.  It's funny that my physical appearance is the last thing on my list.  Or maybe it's not funny, considering I still think I'm dead sexy. 

Much love,

Liza