Questioning Friendship

It seems as late I am better off limiting my "friend" list.  Yep pity party alert join if you want.  I have made some really great friends in my life.  I actually pretty much consider everyone I meet and chat with for more than 30 minutes my friend.  I love to chatty it up, I love to be around people, it brings some kind of weird happiness to me, but of late I am secluded.  I have found more joy in keeping to myself, doing my own thing.  Well I have always done my own thing just with people in tow.
I have had a few friends as of late going thru "life," meaning having grown up adult problems.  Divorce, Word of Wisdom (yep mormon girl here), questioning their belief system you know just some of the usual, and it has made me question some of those things myself.

Divorce; not in my vocabulary with my marriage.  Not because I am mormon, but because of how it affected me as a child.  I knew from a very early age what kind of man I wanted.  Some of those characteristics were based on my religion, but not for the usual Mormon girl things.  My parents marriage was a tangled mess of emotions, drugs and alcohol.   I saw my parents addictions cause so much chaos in their lives and my life that I wanted soo much better for myself and my children.  So when these people whom i love and adore in my life are going thru divorce it makes my heart ache for them for their kids and for me.  I don't like it!  I want them to be happy and not have struggles.  I mentally know I cannot go in and fix the mistakes for them, I cannot go in and make the other spouse change/say sorry, but emotionally I don't want them to hurt.  I have felt that hurt as a kid and even still now as an adult of divorce and it sucks!

Word of Wisdom; something I may have some troubles with.  I drink coffee very rarely, but I do.  I eat to many sweets, too much fat and really I prolly eat to much in general of everything.  I don't eat enough fruits and veggies.  I do not however have a problem with alcohol or drugs or tobacco.  The absolute main reason for this is my childhood.  Now I can look back and say that not every aspect of my childhood was bad...but I do remember quite vividly many a days and nights that really sucked.  I attribute that to my parents and their additions.  I mentioned above I wanted and still want soo much more for my family. I am not saying that I am perfect neither is Jef, but we work hard at being a little better for ourselves, each other and our kids.    Adding drinking or drugs or both to a mix of bad emotions with a spouse in my opinion is adding more problems not helping.  One excuse I have heard recently is "I just want to not feel for a few hours"...really!  Dont we all want that at some point and time in our lives...the kids drove me crazy yesterday and I mean CRAZY and sure I wanted to check out but is that really possible.  The kids are still there after I get back from checking out....the problem is still there.  I just don't get that mentality.  Eventually checking out momentarily won't be enough, won't the desire to do that become more and more and then eventually you have checked out on most of your life and the lives of those around you?

Belief or religion if you will; let's blame that for a lot of our hurt.  I will admit that my religion does have a lot of guilt associated with it.  But I think a lot of religions do, just Mormons are so openly depressed or oppressed depending on who or what the situation is.  I believe with my whole being there is a God who loves us so very much.  I believe that he sent his son Jesus Christ to come and live on the earth to be an example to us, his other sons and daughters.  I believe we are here to be tested and tried to be able to live with him again.  I believe that God does not give us any challenge that we cannot handle, even tho at times that may not seem true or fair.  I believe that if we turn to him and ask for his guidance and help he will do so, maybe not in our time but yes in time he will.  I believe he loves me just as much as his son Jesus.  We are given agency on this earth and just as we have to allow our own children mistakes (all be it hard) he is allowing us our mistakes. 

Ok pity party over!  Maybe...

Losing It

I about threw up when I saw this picture.  I can't believe it.

The truth is, I'm delusional about my weight, my size, and my general appearance.  I hear women say things like "I'm so fat" (when they're not fat at all) or "My hair looks terrible" (when they look lovely) and "I'm so ugly" (when you and I might think they are beautiful.)  I have the opposite problem.  I think I look great!  I think I'm sexy.  I think I look better with just a little lipstick than a ton of make up.  I think I'm smokin' hot.  

So when I'm faced with the reality of my size, like in this picture from April 26, 2013, it's shocking.

Weight is a funny thing.  It seems that we're always thinking about it.  We're always trying to lose it.  We're on a diet or watching what we eat or finding time to exercise - so how in the hell did I get that heavy? 

I know:

1.  Alcohol

2.  I worked out today so it's ok for me to have a treat.

3.  I didn't eat all day and now I'm starving.  Please pass the cheese covered potatoes.

When Chris and I got married almost 21 year ago, we were a foot different in height and 100lbs different in weight.  That is still true today.  I am up to 209 - Chris weighed in this morning at 310.  We've gained, lost and gained weight again - - - always together.  So together we've decided to do something about our current status.

It's a long story, but when we moved to Pocatello 14 years ago we were visited by 3 Sister Missionaries from the LDS Church.  One was Mongolian and never spoke.  One I don't remember at all.  And one was a cute girl from Georgia named Sister Chanda Vaniman.  She was funny and sweet and quickly understood that I would learn everything she wanted to teach me about her church, but that I was most likely not going to convert.  

When she left Poky I think we exchanged a few Christmas cards and notes for a few years, and then became friends on Facebook.  She is now a health coach living in St. George, Utah.  Recently she posted something about a contest she was starting - Lose Weight, Feel Great, Win $1000.  I was ready to make a change - I've seen the results she gets with her clients - I signed up.  (And I signed Chris up too.)

We'll use the Medi-Fast plan.  Five pre-packaged bars, shakes, snacks, soups, etc... and one "lean and green" meal per day.  

My goal is 150 - that may seem a little high to you - the Wii Fit would like me to weigh 132lbs.  Trust me - 150 will look good on me.  I'm "dense."

Chris would like to be 250 - it will be so easy for him.  You know how men drop weight.  I'll be jealous, but supportive. 

Today we are excited and enthusiastic.  We're also ashamed.  How did it happen?  We're ashamed that we didn't look in the mirror and say "put the fork down."  We're embarrassed that we didn't have the self control to not get that milkshake, or burrito. We're angry that after all the time and money we've spent to lose weight in the past, we're losing the same 50lbs again.  

But those feelings won't move us forward.  You can't beat yourself up about the decisions you made yesterday - all you can do is try to make better decisions today.  And that's what we're doing.

May has some built in challenges for weight loss.  Today is Cameron's birthday - no cake and ice cream.  Mother's Day on Sunday - no brunch buffet.  My birthday on the 19th - no Kamikaze shots with my friends. And we're headed to Colorado for a big wedding the end of the month.  The thing that will make me not regret giving up cake, brunch and booze - is I want to look as good as I think I do when we see our friends and family.  I want to see pictures from this wedding and say "Damn!  I am smokin' hot!"  So, I just need to make the decision and stick to it.

I started my day with Medi-Fast macaroni and cheese at 5a.m.  I'm having an orange smoothie thing right now.  My cheesy pizza puffs are waiting for me at 11, and tonight, I'll happily make Cameron his favorite birthday dinner of spaghetti and garlic bread, and I'll enjoy the salad with 5 ounces of lean chicken on it.  

I'm telling you this for a couple different reasons.  First, nothing ever feels real until I share it.  Second, I hope you'll support me.  If I say "no thank you" there is a reason.  And, even though you probably don't look at that picture and cringe, you probably noticed I had put on FORTY pounds in the last year.  I wanted to say thank you for not calling me Fatty McButterpants - at least to my face.  

It has been a tough year.  But I'm feeling much better.  I think I've fixed, or at least started to fix all the things that were wrong with my relationships, my emotional state...my life.  It's funny that my physical appearance is the last thing on my list.  Or maybe it's not funny, considering I still think I'm dead sexy. 

Much love,

Liza

Mormon Standard Time (MST)

Have you heard this expression before?  I used to joke about it all the time.  I hated it, I hated that my friends were late because of it.  Guess what I am on Mormon Standard Time and I hate it!  I try to change and with 4 kids sometimes getting out the door when you plan just doesn't happen!  Those Dang Mormons anyway!  JK  I love my religion.

Modest Is Hottest

"Nail polish on Barbie keeps her modest and not laying around naked....kind of a great idea"

Look, here's the deal.  I'm all for modesty.  I think if people want to cover up, then more power to them.  

In our community, a great number of people are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  LDS members are required to wear "garments."  These are sacred underthings that are important to my LDS friends.  I have been guilty of cracking the occasional "G Joke."  I've referred to them as "Mormon Jammies,"  But the truth of the matter is, they are special to my friends and I respect their commitment to all aspects of their religion.  So a culture of "modesty" exists because Mormon women wear clothes that will reach the knee and cover the shoulder to cover their garments.

I always say "I grew up in a naked family."  Some people are just more comfortable with nudity.  I, personally, am very comfortable with it.  (Please, ask my husband about his introduction into my "naked family."  Poor thing.)

But when I came across this today, I just felt so...sad.

Painting shorts and a tank top on Barbie so she won't be "naked" is so utterly ridiculous I can barely stand it.

She's not naked she's plastic!

For crying out loud.  is her vagina (OMG, did I say vagina? YES!) Is her vagina less exposed because it's painted red?  Are her breasts less exposed because they're painted white?  

She's just as "naked" as she was 15 seconds ago...she's just a different color.

And, what in the heck was wrong with her "nakedness" in the first place?  She doesn't have a vagina.  She doesn't have nipples.  She's plastic!

There is a long list of reasons I'm not a Barbie fan. 

1.  She's unrealistic

2.  I like baby dolls - not Barbie dolls

3.  Her hair is hard to comb

4.  Her stupid shoes never go on correctly, and they fall off in 2 seconds and  you just lose them.  It's a pain in the butt.

Her nudity doesn't even make the top 10!

Painting her lower half red (please...we could discuss that choice for hours) and her top half white, is so utterly insane, I can feel my blood pressure going up just thinking about it.

All you have done is make part of your body, and your child's body, dirty, and ugly, and something to be hidden.  You've actually made it more difficult for you to discuss your child's body, the facts of life, and "why do you have hair down there" with your child.  You've just demonized one third of you!  

If you grow up in a modest family...unlike the naked family I was raised in...then I understand your desire to keep things covered up.  And if you want to cover Barbie up, I'm pretty sure she comes with pink sweatpants and a hoodie.  As for me...I don't think there are any Barbie's in my house - but if there are - I'm going to go home and strip them down right now.  The next time you come over, there will be Naked Barbie's all over the place.  I hope you're not too turned on by that.

This Was A Terrible Idea

I saw this 30 day Squat Challenge on Facebook or Pinterest or some other horrible "Social Pressure" site.  And I thought "Oh...that looks like fun."

Was I HIGH?

It started off fine.  50 sqauats...no problem. 

Today I did 105 in the lobby at work while the receptionist watched me and kept count.  (Like I'm going to cheat at this stupid thing?)

And now I look like this...

That's right...I've taken my top off.  This is the tank that goes UNDER my sweater so that you can't see through it.  Is there any reason I would have worn this tank to work by itself?  HELL NO!  But now I'm sitting here in my office, in this completely inappropriate shirt, hoping my blood pressure drops soon.

Or...

Maybe I'll just go ahead and have a stroke.  At least there will be justification for me to have been wearing this shirt at work.

This Was A Terrible Idea!  (Tomorrow...110!)

"Baseball America's Favorite Past time"

Before TV Baseball was what kids did after school and on the weekends and during the summer...etc. It was literally how America passed the time (taken from Wiki). 

Unlike my co-blogger I love baseball.  I have three sports I watch for enjoyment; baseball, basketball and hockey (must be live).  I don't love baseball season in East Idaho.  Yes Liza it is windy, it rains, it sleets and it may even full on snow but I love it.  I don't know why I just do.  I have a very young and very small memory of my parents playing on a co-ed team when I was extremely little, maybe 5 or 6.  Their uniforms were that thick polyester material and baby blue.  My mom's mitt had "Kump" written on it in black sharpie.  That is it, that is all I remember.  I have asked my dad about this time and he says my mom didn't play but he has done too many drugs to really remember the actual truth.  A lot of his stories are embellished or "fishy."
My oldest plays travel ball...lots of money to play but lots of experience with good knowledgeable coaches.  This is our second year and he really enjoys it so that means I enjoy it.  Now he also enjoys football, me not at all.  I really do tolerate it tho because he does and my second son does now too.  I don't enjoy all the running back and forth and practices and how it cuts my summer short but I keep this thought in the back of my mind" I will miss these days sometime very soon."   

Open Your Mind Elisabeth

When I was around 14 or 15 my mother took me shopping for school clothes.  I was being typically stubborn.  I had an idea in my head of what I wanted to look like and nothing seemed to fit right, or feel right, or magically transform me into one of those girls in Seventeen magazine.

I was in the dressing room and she was passing me clothes and waiting outside.  I must have said something snotty about the latest outfit when my mother, obviously at her wits end, invented what we now refer to as the "sigh shout" (You can imagine it, can't you?)  I just remember hearing, "Open your mind Elisabeth!"

And of course, she was right.  The next thing she handed me was the cutest pair of khaki pants I've ever owned.  Somehow, they seemed to go with every shirt and sweater we had picked out.  Suddenly the dressing room was full of possibilities - skirts and cardigans, jeans and t-shirts, one great dress and that pair of khaki's - I had a years worth of great outfits and a closet full of cute clothes.  And it was all because I "opened my mind."

2012 was not a great year for me.  I don't know if something changed in me - maybe it was my age - maybe it was my children getting older - maybe it was a change in my relationship with my husband - but 2012 was tough.  Things needed to change, drastically.  I started reading articles "How To Be Happy Every Day Of Your Life" and "How To Keep Your Career And Family In Balance" and "Why Do You Think The World Owes You Anything."  I applied the things, all the experts said I needed, to my life.  

I tried to eat better.  I tried to get more sleep.  I tried to create time for myself.  I tried to find a new hobby.  I tried to get some exercise and I tried to find something every day that I was grateful for.  But the truth is, I didn't really feel any better.  I could fake it better - but inside, I still felt, hollow - and it was pissing me off. 

So I threw out all the expert advice, and I went back to what my mother told me.  I opened my mind.  I stopped thinking that I had to work so hard to make myself better and I told myself I just was better.  And magically, I was.  The Universe started throwing good things at me.  My relationships at work improved.  My relationships at home improved.  And I noticed that I had a new cache of friends, that really meant something to me.  

Some of my new friends weren't new friends at all.  I had known them for years.  But somehow, opening my mind to new possibilities, and opening my heart to new people, and removing the wall of "I only need one friend" allowed all kinds of people new access to me.  

I complained for years about feeling lonely and isolated and desperate for some kind of real human contact.  I worked hard in my existing relationships to dig deeper.  Imagine a cold dark diamond mine.  There I am, searching and digging and working to get every last diamond I can out of that mine.  But it's just depleted.  I give up, walk out of the darkness, and see nothing but diamonds, just lying on the ground, shining in the sun, waiting for me to pick them up.  It was that easy. I stopped working so hard, and I got more of what I'd been searching for in the first place.

My new friends have told me point blank, that they didn't think there was room for them in my life before, and now they feel welcome.  That's true.  I was so busy being closed off, and protected, and working hard to maintain a single relationship, that I wasn't opening my mind to other people.  And now that I have, I'm much happier. 

Occasionally my mother still calls and says "Open your mind Elisabeth."  And sometimes I just hear her saying it in my head.  My point is this, whether it's a closet full of cute clothes, or a life full of new friends, sometimes all you have to do is...open your mind.

Thank Goodness I'm Not Here

I can't stand Little League Baseball. I used to imagine myself sitting in the stands, cooler of drinks for the team nearby, video camera charged and ready to record my sons first home run.  I would go to every game.  I would make comprehensive and detailed scrapbooks filled with pictures and clippings.  I would be the best Baseball Mom ever.

But I live in Idaho.  And Baseball, in the spring, in Idaho - is terrible.  It's always freezing cold - it's usually snowing or raining - and I guarantee you this, the wind will be blowing.  

And, as if the god awful weather isn't enough to drive me nuts, there's the game.  Have you ever watched 7, 8 & 9 year olds play baseball?  Here's what they can't do:  Hit, throw, catch.  So it makes the game a little tedious, to say the least.

The boys are very interested in the grass, the boogers in their left nostril and the snack after the game.  (Let's just be glad the boogers are not the after game snack.)  Here's what they're not interested in:  The coach, the other players, the location of the ball.

Now I'm sure that this isn't true for all Baseball Mom's.  I bet Alex Rodriguez's mom had a perfectly lovely time sitting in the sun watching her son hit home run after home run.  I sat in a howling storm, the sleet pelting my face, watching my son lose his glove, "cup check" another kid and eat an entire bag of sunflower seeds - shells and all.

So, when it came time to sign up for baseball this year, I conveniently lost the registration form, and then just didn't bring it up again.  

To be perfectly honest, had my son asked about baseball...had he even mentioned it to me...I probably would have caved and signed him up.  But he didn't.  See, I think he likes the idea of playing baseball as much as I loved the idea of him playing it.  But the reality didn't match our expectations.  I don't think he even enjoyed it a little bit - of course there's no way he enjoyed it less than I did.  

I'm ready for football season.  I'll go to endless swim meets.  And I'm glad he will continue to take golf lessons.  I have this image in my mind of the two of us, strolling along a perfectly groomed course, sharing a bottle of water and a laugh.  Of course, we live in Idaho, so it will probably be snowing - and I guarantee you this, the wind will be blowing.

Be Weird. Be Random. Be Who You Are.

Just yesterday a woman asked me "How do you meet so many cool Mormons that don't try to convert you?"

The truth is, I just meet a lot of people.  Some of them are awful.  They want to change me - they judge - and ultimately they decide I'm hopeless and they walk away.  

And some of them are wonderful.  They support me - they love me - they tell me when I'm making terrible mistakes - and they decide that there is something in me that they like enough to stick around.  

Sarah Clark is one of the latter (no pun intended)

There are a lot of reasons Sarah and I should not be friends - first and foremost, we have vastly different religious beliefs.  Sarah is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and a devout member at that.  She tries, every day, to live a Christ like life.  Maybe our friendship is a perfect example of her Christ like choices.  Sarah, even though I give her ample reason to turn her back on me, she doesn't.  Like Jesus loved the leppers and the prostitutes, Sarah sticks by me.

I have more beautiful, wonderful, Christ like friends - some are Episcopalian, some are Baptists, some are atheists, and some are just people trying to get through this life without doing more harm than good.

I think this blog is designed to be serious sometimes.  Where we talk about the challenges and the successes we have as women, as mother's and as people living in a community sometimes divided by religion.  

I think this blog is designed to be silly sometimes.  Where we discuss my insane fear of weasels and the fact that I think the aliens built the pyramids.  (However, the alien thing isn't silly at all and I'm very excited to get to the day we really get "into" that.)

I think this blog is designed to entertain and enlighten.  If Sarah and I can choose to love one another, not in spite of our perceived "weirdness" but because of it...then other people might be able to find the weirdness in someone new, and choose to love them too.

Sarah Clark is one of my dearest friends.  I will protect her from anyone who tries to break her down. I will hold her hand - I will hold her heart - and I will hold her up if she ever needs it.  I will be honest with her when it's uncomfortable.  I will support her choices, even when they aren't the same as mine. And I will love her forever.

And I know she loves me too - because we're weird.

L

The Start

I have this great friend her name is Liza and she is kind of a big deal.  She doesn't think so but she is.  We met through our kids....I thought she was a weirdo and her husband was mean to my kid, turns  out I was wrong!  Her husband is a big teddy bear and well, Liza is a weirdo but I love it.  She makes me think more out side of the box, and I love that!  She is one of, if not the first of my friends to call when I post something "off" on Facebook, always offering an ear to listen, a meal, a ride for kids, or whatever help I may need.  I would have never thought we would be besties but we are and I love her!